somebody to love

leighton meester on her new song

it is definitely about what’s going on in my life and i think anybody can relate. you’re crazy, you’re busy, you’re young and you’re running around and it’s really hard to find somebody to love. people love you but you don’t really love them.

me about leighton meester’s new song

i can definitely relate – jet-set girl that i am, i find it very hard to find somebody to love – new york, san francisco, london, berlin – i am just too busy hopping on planes or trains and being fabulous – there’s simply no time for love, so i keep on falling for impossible men – it’s some kind of self-protection against being hurt by being left behind or leaving – only one overly large flaw, it desperately hurts to be love sick in the first place, to long after someone that can never be yours and be totally lovelorn* and full of lover’s grief

got my back against the wall
wonder where i’ll be tomorrow?

so very true, i really wonder where life will take me next

* i just learned that word today and i really like it – lovelorn, oh yes, that is how i feel at the moment

shockingly so

our possible new foreign minister? – washington post says:

will a schoolboy in a caravan be germany’s new foreign minister – what shall become of that?

and even though we all feared this was going to happen, it is slightly shocking that it is now about to happen – germany, dear motherland, i believe i must abandon you and fly to better coasts – but there is no flying from a foreign minister, is there? – he is bound to be everywhere – ahhh, o horror, horror, horror – better look at my soothing picture

here she goes again

literally being the elephant in the china store – just dropped my favourite mug (the one with the dragon head as a handle) and it not only shattered to pieces beyond repair, it also spilled half a litre of chocolate milk on my kitchen floor and over my kilt – the kilt was my first worry, should have been my least, it’s made to resist dirt and filth, so a little chocolate milk didn’t matter all that much – the floor was my second worry, but it cleaned up nicely – and only then i realized i had lost my dear mug and am now for evermore drinking chocolate milk from a plastic cup (won’t break when it falls) – at least i had enough milk to make some more and chocolate helps, it really does!

he’s gone with the wind

my radio wakes me in the mornings, usually with nice music, but sometimes that doesn’t quite work out and i absolutely hate waking up to bad news (bombs in iraq, suicide attempts in afghanistan, atomic accidents etc.) – today it was just half a sentence and a waft of music, but this combination of “…like the wiiiind” and “partick swayze dead” made it immediately clear that i wasn’t still dreaming and what a rude awakening it was

childhood idols are not supposed to die – i say this quite clearly, i  never fancied him all that much, but he was classic and i cannot remember a time without wanting to watch “dirty dancing” and feeling like anything is possible and having the time of my life

this year’s end of the year death summary will be so sad – it feels like everyone is dying – and even if some are delivered from long suffering like patrick swayze and perhaps also michael jackson, it is still very much like seeing good friends vanish and a part of childhood and teenage years go forever – but i’d be a fool to believe life could go on forever and so yet again we have to say goodbye – and definitely watch “dirty dancing” a lot!

world wide web of wonder

the internet is a wondrous thing – while working all afternoon yesterday, i found some photographs of a lovely valley in austria – that happened to be the exact same valley, where my grand-parents liked to vacation once upon a time – thus i found myself compelled to look it up on the internet and after some random clicking and flicking, i found an article on a rock located above the wangalm, which is full of memorial plates for people who died upon the mountains – one of them is for my grandfather – it gave me the shivers that this very same plate was quoted, it’s “all ways lead to god, one leads over the mountains” being a sort of leitmotif for the whole article

this group of random travelers happened to record their feelings on the internet, but it is a very nice thought that many come upon that rock every year and all of them read of my grandfather and thus remember him, just as we do – we all leave or trails on this earth and sometimes they make wondrous things happen – my grandfather died many years ago and it still hurts, but it also makes me happy to realize he might have died that day on that mountain, but will never be forgotton as long as this plate is there – and even more wonderous – we chose the quote because that was what he had photographed years before on an other mountain on an other plate – life is so inspiring and even in death we refuse to give up and keep on being there and pointing the way for generations to follow – a truly comforting thought

little miss lonely

that’s that

i am stupid and wet and cold and miserable with a capital M – life can really suck and how i ever believed things could change is now completely lost on me – some things never change and my life back from the big city is not how i imagined it would be – it seems like i was never gone in some ways and still it is impossible to pick up right where i left off – having been missed and being welcomed back is rather nice and i do enjoy old habits – but i truly wish i could have left some habits deeply buried in the abysses of the past, instead of taking them out the first chance i get and afterwards feeling worse than i have in months

and now i am lonely, oh so lonely and a bottle of blackberry wine my only companion for tonight – really, feeling more and more like an old spinster each day – that is ridiculous – just as ridiculous as me thinking i could change things and forget so easily – at least the wine is yummy and goes well with chocolate ice-cream and there’s always time to regret later – tonight i am getting drunk, sadly alone and rather lonesome, but at least i’ve got good music and i guess a couple of more glasses and i’ll be dancing around wildly and stupidly – is that sad? – i believe so, but right now i don’t give a fuckin’ damn about it – i am miserable and this makes it feel a little more bearable

berlin

last night…

… my notebook died on me – i am quite sad – it is like loosing a dear, dear friend – we’ve gone through so much together – my master’s thesis – three months berlin – seven weeks california adventures – many, many photos and music sessions and oh so much more – but then again, my extensa was quite sick in the end – many things that didn’t work quite right anymore and i was going to buy a new on quite soon anyways – now, i will cry a little and carry it to it’s grave – may you live in notebook heaven for eternity

panic!!!

furry happy monsters

are you feeling a little weather-beaten? – rather brought crashing back down to earth from high up in the sky, where you were happily soaring above the clouds? – sad, blue and like rain always blocks out the sunshine in your life? – don’t worry, here’s something to cheer up even the frantically despaired and depressed of us – come one monsters, you don’t have to cry now, do you? – you can be HAPPY

maidenhood memories

i feel melancholic and in the mood for girlie childhood memories and crying at cheesy movies from the past – here are some of my favourites – oh, i feel the tears welling up in my eyes – get the kleenex ready and join me on a crying blast from the past

immenhof – horrible quality, but ohhh, i loved it – and i didn’t even like horses all that much

nesthäkchen – the music alone makes me melancholic and longing to be little again and having no worries, but the loss of marbles and how my gerda-doll would be dressed tomorrow

sissi – how i wanted to be a princess – oh, i still do

anne of green gables – for ever and ever and ever my favourite book in the whole wide world – and i love the movie as well – where, please, is my gilbert?

cure for all ills

once again i find myself being rather angry and confused by life – i’ve been tempted to believe things could go perfectly, if not according to plan, then at least in the right direction – but life’s plans have something different in store for me, as it seems – confusion upon confusion and a complicated mess – suddenly, all i want to do is curl up in bed and sleep for a week and find everything is back to normal, when i wake up – as this is not possible, i do, what i always do, when feeling something is wrong, i consult my favourite doctor

i hate new year’s – i really do

same procedure as every year? – and i hate it – this totally materialistic and overly harming to the environment display of fireworks and bangers – the need for new year’s resolutions – the hype to spend the actual night in a way so very very special and impressing – and the idea that all will be better come next year – i really do hate it and there is nothing to be done about it – i spent a lovely evening with friends, but it could just as well have been any evening – next year i’ll book a cabin in the himalaya and spend new year’s fasting and reflecting life…

goodbye krabat

some last photos to say goodbye, sniff, snuff, sigh – being a corbie was fun and i miss my wings

i’ve got the blues

o my, i am sad, sad, sad, sad, sad – my latest stage adventure is all over and there is this huge black hole, where there were loads of great fun and wonderful people only just yesterday – life seems empty and strange and it does not make sense – i am lost and lonely, dazed and confused and really, really, really want it to start all over again – i know, i know there’ll always be a next play, but seriously, nothing can top this experience and wonderful time i had over the past few weeks

so, i’ll keep on being sad and drive home tomorrow – for christmas – that should be nice and after a long hot bubble bath and some turkey dinner, the world will seem a lot brighter than today – so, always look on the bright side of life…

kitten love again

rest in peace, dear moritz, you were the first kitten, i fell in love with

in could not sing to save my soul

cruel awakening- some months ago, when we started rehearsing, i was almost begged to be part of the choir – i refused, due to my knowledge of not sounding pretty, when i sing – i was convinced that it would be fine and work out just perfectly – i put loads and loads and loads of energy into it and singing became fun – i was singing in the shower, on my bike to work, sometimes even at work – the whole time unaware that i must have been a nuisance to everyone listening – assured that no one had said anything and even compilmented my singing during rehearsals, i sang freely away

but now things are changed - some real practiced girls have joined the group and suddenly it turns out, i am not all that needed after all and since i really cannot singall that well, it’s best, if i don’t actually singon stage – i could come and rehearse if it’s fun, but it would kinda ruin the whole thing, if someone obviously sang wrongly during a performance – not that i am all that awful, but really, i am the weakest link etc. etc. etc. – could there be a more painful way of telling someone that they are dispensable? – i think my self-esteem just sunk by about 98%

kitten love

having a bad day …?

… well, it can only get better …

… just ignore that the world is hell and have fun …

… don’t mind anybody else and be happy with who you are!

… i hate the world today …

… not really, but some days are just too much – in the end of such a day as today – when the whole world seems to be crushing down around me and i am driving home through the slowly starting drizzle of rain and i feel the tears welling up in my eyes – i simply want to curl up in bed, fall asleep and never wake up to face the world again – i hate myself for being such a sensitive little prat – but sometimes it cannot be helped – i am strong and independant and free, but if things get too much, a tiny little thing is enough to tip me off – then i let myself be dragged down and feel like i am in a hole without the slightest chance of ever getting out again

i hate that hole – and the feeling of being friendless and alone and hated and getting on everyone’s nerves by being so down and blue and horribly annoying in my misery – pretty damn stupid, but there it is – it cannot be helped by ordinary means – but somehow writing it all down seems to get it off my chest and i feel relieved – all the bad feeling is now gone into this blog and will remain here evermore and i will live happily ever after – at least for now

ps: not all is bad that sounds bad – a day like today and a little breakdown clears the air for infernal happiness afterwards – and there are little specs of hope and love and friendship that prove not all can be lost to despair – a message from a friend saying thank you for being their friend – someone i can trust, who helped me out without asking too much, giving me the feeling of being there for me – a hug from anyone, just showing me they care – someone trying to make me laugh and saying “don’t give shit about what others say and do – be yourself!” – that is friendship and i am so happy, i have such friends!